I'm frustrated and I'm not sure exactly why.  The last two weeks have been pretty hectic.  I've been waking up early every morning and walking the park.  I walk at least two miles and listen to my mp3 player.  It's relaxing and the best part of my day.  I've been trying to stay focused and motivated.  I've been lifting weights and eating healthy as well.  I've already lost 7 pounds!  I've actually been doing really good, but now I feel like I'm crashing.  I'm exhausted, tired and overwhelmed.  I think I am trying to do too much, all at once, way too soon.  Today I went to mental health which I know will help me in the long run.  I need to feel level.  I'm tired of the wave of emotions constantly changing.  It's too much on a daily basis.  I feel more caught up with the thoughts in my head than where I'm at. 

On Thursday, I'm going to bible study.  I haven't went in months.  I don't know why, I actually liked it and the people there.  I think I just needed to sort myself out and I believe I finally have.  I'm just trying to take a step back before I react.  I have been wanting to change for a long time, but never really put in the effort to make it happen.  I believe this time is different because I am too fed up and making a difference.  I haven't smoked in 5 days.  I don't miss it.  I don't believe I will have a hard time quitting this time because I don't even enjoy smoking anymore.  It's not fun anymore and I'm over it.

I can't stop listening to the song "Of Moons, Birds & Monsters" by MGMT.  It has such a beautiful solo and ending.  I miss making music.  I want to get in another band, I think it will help with a lot of the stress in my life.  I haven't been feeling to good lately.  I've been getting weird electrical shocks and pins and needles feeling all through my body.  I don't know if it's because of my sciatic nerve or what.  I need to go to the ER tomorrow until I can get into my doctor.  I'm so stressed.  I need to find a job, study for the A+ certification, enroll in school....ugh....but I'm not doing anything tomorrow. 

I can't...I need a day to just breathe and relax.  I'm just going to go the river and hang out all day and chill...I need that.  I'm over this emo moment.

1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me...

-Psalm 23 (NKJV)

I've always loved that part of Psalm 23, its words are comforting to the soul. Last month I was in the Greyhound bus station in Las Vegas. The people sitting in the bus stop looked defeated, depressed and hopeless. A man sitting behind me, who was homeless, started yelling out "The Devil is after me!". I was on the phone with my mother at the time and I told her I had to get off the phone and speak to the man. He was running back and forth in the bus stop, and most people just looked at him like he was crazy. But I knew he was calling out for help. He shouted "Stop following me Satan! Leave me alone!" He sat down behind me, and I turned around to speak to him.

"Are you alright, brother?" I asked.
"I'm just really going through it." He said with a long sigh.

I knew he had a story to tell, and I was willing to listen. In his hands he clutched a large old brown book.

"What is that you're reading?" I asked him.
"The Bible." He answered looking down at the book in his hands. I chuckled under my breath, and I realized he was going through the same thing I was...a revelation of the mind.
"I know what you're going through. I have my Bible in my backpack."

He sat down and spoke to me for hours. Telling me what he was going through, and how he believed the Devil was holding him back and how he was trying to turn his life around and live for God. He asked me for some money to buy something to drink. I only had $7 in my wallet, but I gave him $2 to get a soda from the vending machines. He bought himself an Orange Crush soda, and sighed with relief. Over the course of our conversation others around us began to listen and join. One man sitting next to him, who was also homeless, asked the troubled man if he could join him on his journey. He also wanted to leave Las Vegas and go to another place to change his life around. He agreed that he could go with him, and they began to speak as if they were long lost friends.

There is a reason why Las Vegas is called Sin City. It may seem like its all fun and games. Most people just go there for a weekend to party, gamble, get drunk and throw dollars at strippers. With the belief that "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas", but it is not true. It all catches up with you at some point. For those who get stuck there it turns into the Devil's trap. The party eventually has to end, and reality hits. You can only dance with the Devil for so long, until the music stops. When the realization that your life is falling apart, and the Devil has come to collect his due. You have to make the decision to either fall deeper into his trap or surrender your life to God and stop with your wicked ways. Many people who live in Las Vegas have serious problems with addiction to gambling, sex, drinking and drugs. You can see it in their eyes, although they act as though it's just one big party, you know they are hiding real pain and emptiness. These people wanted to get out of the the traps and temptations of Sin City.

While we all spoke about our problems, temptations, and confessing our issues to one another. We spoke of God's infinite love and how we all were seeking to change our ways to walk in the way God. We spoke about Jesus, churches, religions, politics and how the world is changing. Another man joined our conversation, he was a Seventh Day Adventist. During our conversation I yelled out loud:

"What is wrong with people? No one cares anymore. They walk past the homeless like they are nothing. People are starving around the world and no one cares that they are hungry!" Another homeless man who was walking past us shouted to me, "I'm hungry!"

My eyes filled with tears from the look of despair in his eyes. At that moment I wished I had enough money in the world to feed everyone. "I will feed you, brother." I said to him holding back tears.

"I'M HUNGRY!" He shouted even louder.

"Are you? I will feed you! I only have $5 in my pocket, but I swear I will feed you! Let's go to the counter over there and I will buy you something to eat." I said pointing to the concession stand. A lady sitting in front of me began to weep. The man looked at me with sincere eyes and smiled.

"You are so kind, sister." He told me how he was from Oakland, California and I told him how I was from the Bay Area too. I grew up right next to Oakland in Hayward, California. He smiled knowing that we were from the same area,and somehow felt comfort in that.

"Brother, if you are really hungry. I swear to you...I will feed you." He smiled and answered, "I can not take your money. You keep it. I will find a way to feed myself, but thank you for offering." I felt an overwhelming sense of emotion surround me as I watched him walked walk off. I never saw him again after that, although I looked for him before I left.

When my bus was ready to leave, one of the men gave me a hug and they all wished me well. They all said goodbye to me, and by the time I was standing in line waiting for my bus I couldn't help but smile to myself. All of these people were so miserable when I first walked in. But now they were filled with hope and love. They were smiling, talking, joking, sharing, and speaking about the word of God as if they were all friends. I realized at that moment that although the Devil may be good at deceiving people and making them feel hopeless but God's love conquers all. Here we all sat at a rundown bus stop in the ghetto, all difference races, ages and backgrounds but yet were were all accepting of one another. We had all stopped judging one another and we allowed each other to comfort one another. So, I will finish this by saying to all of you. If you see your fellow brothers and sisters in need, help them. Listen to each other, love each other and comfort each other. Extend out your hand and throw away your judgements. Follow the words of Christ and let Him guide you. His love his a power thing.

"If I am guilty—woe to me!
Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head,
for I am full of shame
and drowned in my affliction." - Job 10:15 (NIV)

We are all born innocent without guilt and shame. But with sin comes guilt, shame, depression, darkness, building a wall that can't be torn down and wearing a mask so well that it feels like your own face. We hide behind our dark secrets and lock them away. Entertain our minds with mindless nonsense so we don't think about it, but in the dead silence it haunts us. Hide behind money, a tough facade, an outer shell that no one can break. When does it end? When do we take the mask off? Who can we be real with? Why do we run from God? Why do we put on a mask with God? Why are we so ashamed to take off that mask? Are we afraid of being judged or afraid of being forgiven and truly having to change our wicked selfish ways?

It is easy to ignore God and say He is not there and mock Him, but you know He's there. That is why you feel shame and guilt. That is why you wear the mask. The devil is a master of disguise, and he loves masks because he loves to hide! He doesn't want to be in the light, where he can be seen! Everyone has a mask and one by one we all need to take them off. Be in the light, and follow the word of God. You know what you have to do. God is patiently waiting. He is so very faithful to you and although you may have given up Him, He has not given up on you. Take off your mask. Come out into the light. Get out of the darkness! Talk to Him. Don't be afraid. It's going to okay.